The Night Shinji Went Crazy
by Shinagami
Summary: Third Impact was never this much fun


Ever heard of Weird Al Yankovic? He makes parodies of songs, funny parodies I might add. I felt this one tune of his 'The Night Santa Went Crazy' seemed to fit the Eva universe so well, I had to do this. 

The Night Shinji Went Crazy

By Shinagami

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Down on the bridge all the techs were working on the Magi recording this and recording that.

When Shinji busted in, and he scared them half to death.

He had his plug suit on, and Yebisu on his breath.

Shinji was in his room mourning Kaworu; it wasn't fair that he had to kill him. It also wasn't very fair that his father had made him take an old rag and soapy water and clean the big red smear from Unit-01's palm. He started thinking, why did he even listen to his father and Nerv? To please people? To make others respect him? -Well you know what?- Shinji thought angrily. -I don't get anything except a few hundred yen a week, why should I pilot anymore?!- He stood and stormed out of his room, determined to quit Nerv for good. Third times a charm.

"Misato! I'm quitting!" Shinji yelled into the kitchen. When he got no response from anyone he made his way past the couch and into the land of Misato and PenPen. A small wheezing noise brought his attention to a relatively dark corner of the room; where under a pile of beer cans slept PenPen.

"Why aren't you at Hikari's house?" Shinji asked, his anger momentarily dissipating. The answer to his question lay no more than two feet away from the prone penguin. A tiny little handkerchief tied around a stick sat propped against the wall. Shinji sighed, now what was there to do? Asuka was still in a coma, so he couldn't talk to her.

"Not like she'd listen. She's always beating down on me." Shinji sat next to the now semi-conscience penguin and took a look at an un-opened can. "And Misato has been at Nerv for who knows how long. I guess no one can stand me." H picked up the can and popped it open, earning him a questioned look from PenPen. 

"And what's with that technician- Ibuki. She a lesbo or what? I think ~burp~ Father needs to get his ducks in a row! Who knows what they're plotting behind.... his back!" And Shinji threw the eighth can of Yebisu on the ground. 

"You know what? I'm going to do something about it instead of sitting around here bitching! You with me?" He stood up and clenched his fist at the heavens. PenPen looked at his crazy roommate and hustled off to his old fridge. Shinji shrugged and lopped off to Nerv, occasionally running into a pole.

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From it's chin to it's feet Unit - 01 was covered with ammo, like a big scary drunk disgruntled, mecha rambo.

And Shinji smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye

"I hope you're all happy, now you're all gonna die!"

Shinji scurried into the entry plug of his big purple Eva, not taking into account the startled look of the techs who didn't understand why the Third Child was spewing old drinking songs. Shinji willed his mecha around and collected various weapons and munitions, strapping a few 60. caliber bandoliers around his torso.

"Shinji, what are you doing?" Misato already high-pitched voice shrieked over the comm. "Have you lost it?"

"Shinji raised his eyes to the little 2 dimensional image of the Major. He smiled a feral little smile.

"I hope you're all happy...now you're all gonna die!" 

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The night Shinji went crazy, the night the Third went insane. 

Realized he was getting the wrong deal, or something must've snapped in his brain.

And he opened up on the roof of the Eva cage, blowing a good-sized hole in it. Once he'd hauled himself out of the gap that the Eva's rifle had made Shinji turned the big gun on the bridge, which was exposed now that a giant hole had become the command center's roof. He let loose three shots that blew smoking craters into the floor around the techs, and sub sequentially turning the Magi into little more than pools of super heated metal and plastic. After that Shinji hefted the rocket launcher over his shoulder and annihilated the rest of the black pyramid. 

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Well headquarters in gone now, he decided to bomb it, everywhere you'll find pieces of small lit up Magi.

And he tied up the techs, and he held the Nerv staff hostage

"And no one move!" Shinji instructed, waving a type 20 positron cannon around the shelter he'd stuffed the majority of the Nerv staff in. It was at that time that a black and silver sword flew through the air and missed decapitating Shinji by inches. With a look up Shinji spotted nine white machines, the mass Produced Evas circling around, before landing in a circle around Unit -01. Shinji's feral smile came back and he lunged at the first in his way.

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And he ground the 5th MP into - Eva sausage.

Shinji kicked the green rifle into the air, catching it and pointing at the next two in his sights. Yellow filled the sky and the white beasts were quickly reduced to bloody corpses. 

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He got the 6th and the 7th with the pallet rifle-

Unit- 01's shoulder pack opened and it's prog knife extended out, which Shinji used quite cruelly against the nearest Eva.

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And he slashed up the 8th just like Freddy Krueger 

Shinji tossed the knife aside and brought the type 10 positron cannon into play. The last MP noticed the BFG being centered on him and got the 'deer in the headlights' look in its eyes. Not that it had eyes. But if it did it would've seen the blast racing towards it.

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And picked up the positron cannon and he barbecued the 9th, and he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like Angel".

Unit- 01 dropped the gun and stepped up to the charred Eva. With a low growl it reared its head back and took a huge bite out of it's neck. 

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The night Shinji went crazy, the night Ikari went nuts. 

Now you can hardly walk around the GeoFront without stepping in Eva guts.

The GeoFront was filled with and explosion as several hundred troops in black camouflage raced in. Without a second thought they opened up on Shinji and Unit- 01. Shinji returned fire without hesitation, and almost proceeded to wipe them out, had t not been for that pesky fact that Lillith had done merged with Rei and came busting out of the ruined headquarters. The troops all looked at each other and let loose with everything they had on the giant being ascending to the top of the GeoFront.

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There's the JSDF and the UN

There's a van from the Tokyo-3 news, and VTOLs circling round in the sky.

And bullets are flying, the body counts rising, and everyone's dying and oh no, Shinji why? Why, why, why, why.

Used to be such a nice guy.

Without further ado, Shinji found himself in the center of the Third Impact, and the future of humanity was on him. That sobered him up, and he thought back to what he wanted. AT Fields and pain.....or everyone's soul mashed together in a big bowl of soul pudding. Tough choice there. 

"Might as well take reality, then." Shinji said with a shrug. "And while we're at it, how about Asuka? Can we have her there too?"

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Now it's post 3I, and most of humanity is gone

They're stuck as Tang, cept for Shinji and Asuka

Yes little friend, as the souls are all one

Guess they don't have the Third Child to kick around anymore!

Now there are no more lillims, for Kaworu's enjoyment

And the Angels have to stand in line to file for unemployment

And they say Anno he's on the phone every night-

With GAINAX negotiating the movie rights!

Rei and Kaworu looked down on Shinji and Asuka, now making a fire as the sun set on their beach.

"So, did Shinji make a good choice?"

Rei considered the scene for a second and smiled. "It would seem so."

"You know, Zeruel is still mad that he's out of a job." Kaworu said as they began to fade away.

Another smile graced Rei's lips as she remembered the 14th angel. "Tell him to shove it."

Somewhere else in the worlda Japanese man holding a giant bottle of prescription strength Prozac yelled into his phone complaining about his fans and some other what not. The words 'to hell with the freaking fans!' was used repeatedly.

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They talk about the night Shinji went crazy 

The night the Third Child flipped

Broke his back for his bastard father

Seems to me like he was kinda getting jipped

The night Shinji went crazy

The night the Third went insane

Realized he was getting the wrong deal, or something must've snapped in his brain.

Whoa, something finally must've snapped in his brain

Tell ya something finally must've snapped in his brain

End

Well, there you have it. My first ever songfic, probably my last too. Sitting in 6th period World History will do this to you. I was going to just have the altered lyrics, but they deserved a bit of explanation. 


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